29: How comfortable are you with your body?

This is a super weird topic to write about because I’ve ultimately ran out of things to blog about. 29 posts later and this is where I’ve ended up – my next post will pretty much be a reflection, no surprises there. Is there a point doing a 30 day blogging challenge? What does it even mean? That’s for tomorrow.

I’m not even comfortable with my face let alone my body. Pshhhh.

I’m one of those people who you can probably describe simply as average. Even you could describe my face as average – average size, average well, everything to be honest. I fit in the average BMI range (my usual “fat” BMI is 21.5, my low BMI being 19.33), I’m of average height (for argument’s sake I will say 164cm, because when I measure I get 163, but compared to other people who are 100% sure of their height I’m about 165), and my clothes are pretty average in size (I wear anything from an XS to a M depending on the fit I want – M being usually too large, S loose, XS tight/ perfect fit and I wear either a size 8 or 10).

When I give you these facts about myself, you all probably think I’m quite skinny or on the slim side, but unfortunately, I’m not. I know I have a pretty err- solid bone structure so it doesn’t really matter how skinny I get, I’m about the same size – only you will notice I’ve lost weight because I lose it in parts that are quite noticeable, like my face. Although I have a decent amount of what I presume is muscle, I have either equally if not more fat that covers that all up.

From my earliest memories until now I have never ever experienced a time where I have had a completely flat stomach. I hate it. I do all sorts of things to cover up – I wear loose clothes, sit my bag on my lap, cross my arms to cover it – just things so that people can’t see D:

I have pretty broad shoulders and that’s something I also don’t like because it means I try to avoid showing my shoulders bare. In a way it makes my head look about the right size but I think I have a huge face and I hate it. I think my upper arms are also quite big and flabby so I try not to show them as well – though I’ve been trying to work the muscles in my arms because I rather big muscular arms than big flabby arms.

I wish I were a bit taller – or at least my shins slightly longer, because I have long thighs, but relatively short shins. This can be solved with heels though, but anything more than 6cm kills my feet.

To be honest, there’s nothing about my body I’m particularly happy about. It’s not my skin because I’ve either got eczema or chicken skin – and it’s not anything to do with proportions either. Perhaps the only thing I like are my wrists and bit just above my ankles because they’re the slimmest parts I have.

I’m one of those people who get “fat” pretty fast and tend to lose either super fast or super slow depending on stress levels. If I’m stressed or depressed I lose weight pretty quickly, but I didn’t like it all that much because everything I had in my wardrobe ended up loose. The worst time I had was a few months ago when we were really missing my dad – I ate very little, cried a lot, and had a lot going on for me at work because I need to look after a lot of things. For now I really want to maintain a healthy size rather than one end of the scale. If I could choose, I would maintain my BMI at 20.5 or so.

I actually had a two week break recently, which is why I could afford to blog so regularly and in depth – I’m back at work now, so that’s why my blogging has been really sloppy. During my break I really did absolutely nothing, because that’s all I wanted to do – nothing. I didn’t want to think about anything, didn’t want to see anyone, and didn’t want to know about anything. It was good for me because I had so much going on in my head and it was really taking a toll on me since I just didn’t know how to let go of things – everything seemed to concern me and I was thinking about matters that really weren’t important, yet bothered me even though I didn’t need to be involved. You could say I just had a general loss of interest in pretty much everything because I was so depressed. I was starting to get worried when people were saying I looked different because I lost “so much weight” (it actually wasn’t that much, it was about 6kg though) and when my clothes got loose. So here I am, back to being fatty fat fat.

Well, 6 pack or not, fat or not, I still am in the healthy BMI range, and I’m in the low range too – so that’s kind of encouraging to know despite me feeling like my body is like a (filled) potato sack.

Next post: What did you learn in the past month?

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