I’ve felt a lot better these two days – unexpectedly got to work with BOTH of the girls yesterday which was really a surprise, but it also made my mood a lot better. Today I also got to skip a few hours of work to go see Thomas Sabo’s new collection. Schweeeeeet. Not that I skipped any work – because seeing the collection was… work… lol.
It’s been a really long while since I’ve written a pet peeves post – but during the past few days after thinking things clearly, I thought of things that made me more sad, and things that probably made me more annoyed. Overall though, I’ve finally concluded that, yes, actually, the problem actually does not lie in me. Usually, anyway. If anything, the problem belongs to other people.
This is quite a personal post… not directed at anyone in particular. Just a bunch of my recent thoughts… and me making sense of them…
… in the respect that I really had to dig out memories I didn’t want to remember. To be honest, I don’t really remember much of the past few years nowadays… in an attempt to forget things I have bits of my memory blanked out. To have me remember is probably the equivalent of you telling me to shave my hair to 5mm long… the consequences are very bad… but at least things will eventually grow back to normal, and my example has taught you all not to do the same. Or perhaps on the other end of the scale, I hope that maybe you may follow me and share some of life’s stories, as painful as they are, so that others don’t make the same mistakes. As this post is quite personal I probably haven’t really written as straight to the point as I’ve hoped… I guess please take this as a way of me sharing and reflecting.
I know, we all can be hypocrites. I am one myself – in recent months a (well close-ish) friend of mine kinda pissed me off (and this was at work, and literally EVERYONE I work with believed that it was HIS problem not mine) so I would jokingly find myself saying “psssh won’t see him ever again.” The problem though is that I probably won’t see him again – because he’s working overseas. Who knows if he’ll ever come back Of course I feel sad. As much as I like to say “omg never trust blah blah blah” and all, I will miss him. I mean, if I had known that last time he came to visit me at work was the very last time I could possibly see him in my lifetime (perhaps, it’s very extreme and melodramatic, but hey, WHO KNOWS?) I probably wouldn’t have been pissed at him. In fact I’d probably give him a farewell hug. We’ve known each other for years. How can anyone be used to having someone around to talk to and then suddenly finding out they’re gone?
He was the only friend of mine who actually consistently came to visit me at work every now and then – yeah, we all say it’s annoying… but I did really appreciate it. Even if I said something mean, it was out of anger – I didn’t really mean it. He actually made an effort to come around and say hi, if he knew that he was going to be around my workplace. Now that he’s gone, I really do feel that something’s amiss… that kinda added onto my feeling of loneliness… because he really did remind me at times “ah… someone remembers me.”
For this short story, I am the hypocrite – and yes, I do kind of hate myself for being bitchy, especially since now I might not be able to see or contact him. It really sucks.
Then I thought back to other very similar events in my life during the past 5 years – and then I realised that my hypocrisy probably isn’t that much compared to the other shit I’ve had to put with.
I’m the type of person to probably say something really awful but not really mean it (unless I say it with glaring eyes, point at you with a finger and am very serious about it) – half the things I say are jokingly. But when I make a promise, I promise I make a 95% effort to actually mean what I say. If I do say something mean, and really meant it, I probably did it because there was a reason for me to do so – my way of caring is being cruel to be kind. If I think you’re in misery, I’ll most likely do something pretty rash to make you have a reason to hate me. That’s my gift to you – a tranquiliser in disguise. I don’t mind being misunderstood. That’s fine. As long as I know what I’ve done (which was not out of bad intention), I don’t mind. That’s a different story for another day.
Rewind back to my ever first relationship, long story short my parents didn’t like him. Really. That’s what I told him, but it sounded like a lame excuse. I told him that we should keep in contact, be good friends – and of course when someone says this, the response generally is “yeah, okay, sure.” And I believed him.
By the time I asked him if he had time for lunch, his tone on the end of the phone was hesitant, reluctant, and he said he was busy. A lame excuse later, he never got back to me as promised, and I never bothered to contact him again. By the way, that was probably less than a month after our relationship ended, and he already started dating another girl.
Why can’t you just be straightforward and be honest? If you’re not cool with keeping contact with me, at least tell me. I don’t want to have an alert at the back of mind going “oh hay, thingy might talk to you one day and you might need to go out and meet up” – especially if it’s not going to happen. Just tell me straight up, “sorry, I have a girlfriend now, I kind of don’t want to meet up with other girls, I hope you understand.” That’s FINE. I’ll leave you alone, okay.
Is it that much to ask for a bit of honesty?
I understand that perhaps it wasn’t originally intended to break a simple promise as “let’s be friends” because things pop up, but don’t be so damn shady about it.
Fast forward 2 years later I get a Facebook friend request. Yeah, thanks a lot okay – if you’re wondering why you can’t see my profile in full, it’s because I’ve hidden all my stuff from you – just like what you did with me before. Don’t act all friendly with me when I was the one who was trying to stay friends. Just because you sent me a friend request does NOT equate to you wanting to stay friends. You never made an effort. Hypocrite in this case? Certainly not me. I did all I could to keep my promise. That’s the best I can do.
As much as it really hurts to remember how my second relationship crumbled, what he said was “I want to be someone who can still care for you even though we’re not together”. My reply was “I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” I really meant it. I wiped him out of my life even quicker than folding a days’ worth of laundry. I don’t even have a means to contact him any more – that’s how much trauma I went through. The several months as things went downhill all I could remember was crying every other night. I was unhappy. I broke down in a computer lab filled with students in the middle of the night whilst rushing a final project with just barely days to spare. Did he care? No, he didn’t.
Thinking back, I was probably just too polite and too conservative – possibly too optimistic. Thinking back to what happened, if a guy makes you unhappy, cry so frequently and give less than a rat’s ass about it, how could anything he says ever be trustworthy? Care for me? Since when? And caring for me in the future… what?
I don’t want to be unfair because I know at one stage he probably did care, but under absolutely no circumstances should being in a relationship be so damn depressing.
Of course I want to believe him. I don’t want to believe that I had a relationship with someone so bad they couldn’t keep their word… but there’s no point in believing him.
It took me literally months, possibly anywhere up to a year… maybe more. Maybe I’m still not recovered even now.
All I have left in my memory are the times when I was just unhappy. I mean, crying alone at probably 2 or 3am in the morning even though you had such a busy lifestyle studying a subject I did was not normal. After it all ended I remember going to class for the first time after several days. I had probably cried every day, cried myself to sleep. What hurt me more was the hurt look on my parents’ faces… they couldn’t bear to see me so upset. I would sit at the dinner table and uncontrollably have tears falling down my face. I was a real mess and I really dreaded the idea of taking off my sunglasses because they hid my tired and swollen eyes.
I had my friends pull me up – people who I know who rarely judge others would actually tell me “he wasn’t good enough”. Really, the nicest friends I have who hardly ever say anything bad about others probably couldn’t bear me to see me in such a bad state they actually say something so out of the norm… I heard the same phrase worded in a variety of different ways from several people – I guess even until the very end I was still blaming myself for not doing a better job.
What hurts me the most probably isn’t the reason why my relations ended, or how I was treated. What hurt me more was realising that I was promised a whole lot of promises, but they were all fake. Here I am, after all these years, still hoping that at least people had the decency to keep their promises and perhaps on the other side of wherever they are at least thinking about “oh yeah, I promised… it’s a shame I couldn’t keep it… but if I have the chance to… I’ll try again.”
I dug out some of the experiences I’ve had that I feel really did hurt me. I’m probably a bit crazy for digging out something so painful to remember, but I really want to put out a message: don’t make promises you can’t keep. Even if it’s small like “I’ll reply you in a week”, at least reply after 2 weeks. If you can’t reply, don’t say you will. If after a long time the reason is “oh I got busy” or whatever, it’s just a lame excuse. There are 52 weeks in a year, and that makes 104 days of weekend you can either catch up with people or have spare time to write a reply. A reply only takes several minutes of your time and can be done while sitting on the toilet (OMG WOW! Y DIDNT U THINK OF THAT?). This is just an example okay – but if all your 104 weekend days are filled, there are still another 104 weekend days of the next year. FIVE MINUTES, OKAY. Can you like, sleep less 5 minutes on just 1/104 days of the year?? Am I asking too much? No matter how busy I was, I still managed to make time to go out – relationship or friends. I’m a lot slacker now, but with a good reason since I’m working full time – my days off are only Fridays and Saturdays, but I’m more than happy to take out any of my 52 Saturdays to meet up with good friends. If it’s not this week, it’s the week after; I promise.
Of course the truth hurts – but I rather know it sooner than continually being lied to and then finally finding out at the end. It’s tiring. And I’m not that narrow minded – I might be angry, hurt, sad upon knowing the truth, but I can be fine afterwards. Just don’t add bullshit into the equation.
Seriousness aside though, only condition under I can’t keep my promise is if I need to see my friends at night time and I don’t have a means to get home. So don’t make me a hypocrite by deliberately asking me to come out at night – sorry, I can’t. But I can do lunch.
So yes, I can be a hypocrite at times. But when I say something, or make a promise, I at least make an effort. And it’s a decent one, not a half hearted/ half assed attempt. I rather be a hypocrite than a liar, at least.
This pet peeve of mine is probably something that really is quite personal and is something that particularly does hurt me more than what others would normally expect. It’s just me. I don’t know about others… but in my case… broken promises just disappoint me…
I know I sound really picky and fussy over minute details, but in all honesty, I’m just a really simple person. I really don’t need all that much. I just want honesty and at least some dedication. If that’s too much to ask for… then… I really don’t know what to say.
Slightly off topic – I know I really did stray off my path of thought in this messy post, but upon reflecting back I am only starting to realise that a lot of what I went through was not what I deserved. It’s not what anyone deserves. I promise myself I will find someone better. Someone who won’t make me so unhappy, won’t make me cry so frequently, won’t be so damn sloppy and half assed. Nobody deserves anyone like that. Hmm – if I manage to keep thinking this way, which is probably what I should be thinking naturally, then I won’t have such a hard time. I’ve still been blaming myself all this time, including times when I’ve been disappointed all over again, so I’ve never been able to move on. I hope none of you get to experience it, because I don’t think it’s any good at all.
Ironically, my personality is actually kind of tough – or at least it seems to be to people I know. Most people would have never expected that I would be able to put up with all that for so long…
Guess from now on I’ll be true to myself – I won’t let myself go through that again, and that includes believing false promises.
I deserve better than that.