I rarely write anything depressing in nature (I do, however, frequently like to rant about things and write things of a negatice nature, but depressing is more like 1 in every 20 posts) but today is just one of those days when I just feel sad – but it’s not just today though, it’s a continuation from yesterday.
There are several things that can put me in a bad mood, and one thing is wasting time – if I feel like something stupid which shouldn’t have happened wasted my time meaning that I could miss my bus and be late for work, I will be extremely grumpy. Another thing that can instantly put me in a bad mood is remembering or noticing something that triggers bad memories when it’s totally uncalled for.
I don’t deny it – I do what other people do, I avoid things that make me unhappy. If it’s within sight and it annoys me, I will remove it. It’s that simple.
Everyone has been recalling stories about when they were 24 years old (the supposed “bad luck” year) and they told me stories about how they were just really really upset and depressed the whole year. I’m generally not that superstitious so I really hope that this isn’t the case for me this year – but unfortunately I’m starting to feel it. I feel really alone for the first time in years. After a disaster of a break up, I was a complete wreck and I was luckily pulled up by my friends. I thought to myself, I could make do without a relationship if I had awesome friends around me. For now, I really do feel that my friends are slowly drifting – and it’s not necessarily my fault, though it feels like it – in the respect that it makes you ask yourself “what went wrong? What did I do for this to happen?” It could just very well be that they have their own lives and they’re just busy with whatever they’re doing… but as we all know, we don’t quite think so logically like that.
I’m not really a positive person either – I tend to look on the darker side of things because I think I just have the worst luck when it comes to things people find ordinary in their every day lives… it’s my way to deal with disappointment because if I don’t expect something good, I won’t be disappointed. Every time I try to be positive, I find that I’m disappointed – I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just way too optimistic at the wrong time, or if I’m just asking for too much. Am I asking for too much? I don’t know, a lot of the time I really don’t think that I’m asking all that much… but when people treat me in a way like “U MAD?”, I start to question myself and the self-blaming game restarts itself all over.
I really try to be confident, but I can’t. I really want to move on and be a better person, but I can’t. I just find it so hard to just be myself and yet have people accept me for the way I am… it’s really tiring because most of the time I’m the one who gets disappointed the most. I’m the one who apologises even when I’m not wrong. I’m the one who is left behind even though all I ever did was just look out for people I care about, even if it was in a strict way.
All I can really say is that at the moment I’m really stressed and I’m not all that happy. Yes, I do have feelings, and although I might appear to be really tough on the outside, I’m the one who gets hurt the most. I don’t really have anyone to turn to these days to talk about things because people these days don’t really listen. For now I just hope that when this post ends, I can then continue on with my every day routines, cry my heart out, get some rest and hope that my unhappiness ends at midnight and tomorrow is a brand new day.